6 Emotions He May Not Have Told You About |
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 Women don’t have a lock on being upset about an infertility diagnosis. Men hurt, too . . . just a little bit differently. When you found out about your husband’s male-factor infertility, you freaked out—and he clammed up. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. “Men often struggle to find the language to express their emotions, and feelings about infertility are much more profound and difficult to deal with,” explains Liz O’Donnell, Ph.D., an individual and couples counselor in Cleveland. Here’s what your husband’s not telling you about how he really feels about the diagnosis—and how you can deal with those emotions together. It’s my fault “When we’d do an intrauterine insemination and Kelli produced perfect eggs while my sperm count and motility were low, I felt like our negative pregnancy test was my fault,” says Jay Leiner of Benicia, California, who blogs about his experience with infertility at WaitingforOurPod.com. How to deal: Make sure your partner knows that you don’t blame or resent him, any more than you would blame yourself if you weren’t ovulating. Then keep him up to speed on potential solutions so you’re working on the challenge as a couple. I feel helpless Men naturally want to fix problems—especially the ones they can see are making their wives miserable. But because infertility has no easy solution, men can’t make things all better, which stresses them out. How to deal: If your husband takes on more of the research and appointment-setting work, he may feel more helpful. You can also help your husband ditch the “fix-it” mentality by offering him specific ideas on ways to comfort you. Says O’Donnell: “Men often say to me, ‘I don’t know what to do.’ I tell them, ‘You don’t have to do anything, you just have to hold her and say, ‘I know it hurts.’” I’m embarrassed Women often connect with a confidante, even if it’s by striking up a conversation in the fertility-clinic waiting room. Meanwhile, men tend to be silent, in part because they’re uncomfortable outing details about their situation. How to deal: Even if your husband isn’t ready to bring up sperm motility over beers with the guys, point him toward blogs about male infertility (find some at Stirrup-Queens.blogspot.com), where he can leave anonymous comments—and maybe work up to starting a blog of his own. He might be relieved to have a semi-private place to express his feelings. I’m worried I can’t perform When sex becomes all about impregnation, it’s easy to lose that lovin’ feeling. “There are some men who develop erectile dysfunction because of infertility: the pressure to perform, the timed intercourse, the anxiety about their ability to impregnate their partner,” says O’Donnell. “If you have significant anxiety, the last place blood is going to go is the penis.” How to deal: De-stress your sex life by being intimate for pleasure, not procreation. Some spooning in front of the TV or a feisty make-out session will remind your partner that you’re into him, not just his sperm. I’m sick of talking about it You could go on and on, but for your husband, the nonstop infertility talk can be mind-numbing. At a four-hour lunch with his wife’s infertility support group, Leiner says that the conversation never veered from infertility. “At the two-hour mark I would have been happy to talk about baseball, and I don’t even like the sport!” How to deal: Reserve five minutes a day for infertility talk, suggests Kristen Magnacca, author of Love and Infertility (Lifeline Press, 2004) and a life coach and consultant for infertility. Set a timer, and when it dings, switch subjects. Still have more to say? Vent to a girlfriend. I miss you Chances are, your spouse just wants to see the old you again. One husband whom Magnacca counseled commented, “I fell in love with my wife because she has an amazing laugh, but I haven’t heard it for probably a year.” The wife broke down—and promised to see a funny movie with her hubby. How to deal: Sit down with your husband and, on index cards, each write a honey-do list of three things you need from each other, whether that’s a stress-free date night or more “just checking in” calls during the day. You may be surprised at what your husband misses about your relationship—and how easily you can restore it. A version of this story was originally published in theWinter 2009 issue of Conceive Magazine. Related Topics: Male Factor Infertility, Male Fertility, Relationships and Trying to Conceive |
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