Helping You Help Me |
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I am pre-writing my blog. I haven’t received my official results from the lab, but I am 98% confident that I know what they are going to be: BFN. I cheated again. I took a cheap test and an expensive home digital this week—the digital ones are awful in that they blare the words “NOT PREGNANT” right at you. I have vowed this time not to fall into a pit of gloom like I did last year after our failed cycle. I believe you need to grieve any loss, but there are healthier ways to go about it. It is the reason why I have sought out a support group and some individual help during this timeframe. But, I’ll talk more about that when I actually get the official results. Today’s blog is really more for friends and family. I want to gently guide you through the next 30 days and help you help me through this time with three simple guidelines. #1 Please don’t ask me what is next. My head is spinning as it is. I am tired of the fact that I actually have to think about how to have a baby. And, now as I am a few months closer to 43, the options that are in front of me are complicated and expensive. There are no quick and easy ways to parenthood for us. We have suffered through two years of losses and failures—we are going to take this month off from infertility. If I want to talk about it, I will bring it up. #2 Help us have fun this month. Don’t let me burrow in the house. Invite us out for dinner. Join me for a walk with the dog. If you have kids, we are alright spending time around them. Quite honestly, in absence of having our own, we happily adopt some of your kids as our nieces and nephews. This is a month where I can do all those things that I haven’t done in awhile: play hockey, enjoy a good martini, go for a run. Come party with us on New Year’s Eve as we welcome in 2010. #3 Less is more. If you want to acknowledge that things kind of suck for us right now, here is a great phrase “I am sorry you are having to go through this.” Nothing more than that is perfect. No stories about how people relax and then they get pregnant, no comments about adopting, no comments about it’s meant to be. I don’t mean to sound harsh and ungrateful. The support I have received from many of you has been tremendous. The amount of good wishes on Twitter, Facebook and here on Conceive have surprised and overwhelmed me. Part of the reason I have opted to be so public about the trials and tribulations about conceiving is that I want to help educate people about infertility. Whether you know it or not, there is probably at least one or two more folks in your circle of friends who are suffering through this but never publicly disclose a word. These are the folks that cringe inside when you ask them whether or not they are planning to have kids. Yet, they smile and answer the best they can. Blogging helps me a lot. So, keep reading in the coming weeks to see where I head next. P.S. The lab called. BFN. Comments (10)
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... What a truly wonderful post. I feel like copying and pasting it to my friends too. For now, enjoy that martini. I'm thinking about having a margarita pretty soon. |
Kent Gilbert
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... I truly am VERY sorry you two are having to go through this. Mucho applause for letting those of us who love you know how to love you better. May I also recommend a fine Kentucky beverage in addition to the martini? Manhattan anyone? May grace steadily surround you both in whatever mood it finds you, and I'm very very sorry. Love, Kent |
Angel864
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... Three words: I feel you. I am so sorry that you had to experience this. I know with my own personal experience that time heals. Allow yourself to mourn. You will be in my prayers. |
Ras
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... What a beautiful post...it bought tears in my eyes, as I am going through same feelings rite now. 4 years of failures and miscarriages that I am now feeling so lost myself and people asking me What next.... I am so sorry that you are going thru this same thing...I pray to god may be next year bring good news for both of us and all other women fighting this. |
Lmillerrx
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... I understand every word you have written. All of the blogs here on conceive help and encourage me. Its always good to know you are not alone, and there will always be a bond through all of us going through this. |
VFriske
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... Thanks everybody for the kind words. It's almost a week later and the response from friends has been great. It has been nice not to be plagued with the what next, even though it is running through my brain. |
Lula Mae
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... What wise, honest and brave words. I am sorry you are having to go through this. But your words are already a comfort to me, and will be even more so if my second IVF attempt in a couple of months results in a BFN too. I have printed them out already. I hope you are drinking a big martini and going round to people's houses for dinner every night. |
Kerry Grueneich
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Clay's cousin I am sorry to hear all the troubles you are going through. I know you probably get sick of hearing that too. My husband and I had a simalar experience...4 years TTC with nothing. After a long long journey we finally did conceive and are expecting in February. I know when I was going through this I liked to hear success stories...gave a glimmer of hope in my dark world. |
NR
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... Vanessa, I just wrote on Rebecca's blog too. But don't despair! Everyone is fertile...it is a matter of subtle tweaking for our bodies. I am on this journey too, but I am also doing acupuncture and herbs. They have really changed my body and my periods (I had/have endometroiosis). I am refusing at the moment to do IVF or any of that. I am doing acupuncture, herbs, Chi Gong, meditation, massage and changed my diet. The results have been astounding...and I know I am going to get pregnant soon. I can feel it. I urge you to look into acupuncture (there is also Community Acupuncture which is available across the US and very affordable since that is what I am doing) Look up Community Acupuncture Network. Also please, please check out this company: (I don't work for them at all!) www.radiantwonder.com Their herbs have helped me tremendously, they are wonderful people...the owner got herself preggies at 45 and then started this company to help other women. They talk to me frequently, in helping me with the stress, tweaking the herb dosage...I know it will happen soon for me. Nicole |
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