Baby Dance |
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It is hard to be here. Here, in this time in life. And here, on this blog. It’s hard to be at this time in my life because I’m so scared to admit things, like “I’m ready to have another baby” because (GASP) I may not have grieved enough. Or fully. Or however or whatever or whenever I’m “supposed” to. The guilt is overwhelming. Like, I WANT to be okay. I WANT a baby. I WANT to move forward. But I feel stuck, like I NEED to stay here in this place for others. I am a fixer. And I want to fix this for everyone else who is dealing with miscarriage and loss. It’s hard to be on this blog, in this (amazing, wonderful) community, where the talk is trying to have a baby! And I don’t feel like I fit in. Because I GOT pregnant. I conceived. But I still don’t have a baby. My arms are empty. I am a mother without a baby. And there are those who remind me (really, this happened) that I’m “lucky” I didn’t actually have the baby and then lose it, because, “you know, it would have been worse.” And I agree with that, but who are they to say that to me? Don’t I get to be the one to determine that? So now I’m at this place where I feel like I should feel guilty talking about losing my baby, because what if my trial is nothing compared to yours? And now I feel like none of this even makes sense unless you know. You know? So I guess this is it. My unofficial-official announcement that I'm sorta back to TTC. Kinda. I'm not taking my BBT, I'm not tracking OV or CM. I'm not thinking about the TWW, or AF, or CD. DH and I are just doing the BD* and hoping soon there will be a +HPT and at the end, a B-A-B-Y. You didn't think I'd forgotten the language of TTC now, did you? *Baby Dance, my new favorite acronym. Why? Because it's awesome. Comments (5)
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... I'm happy to see that you are not "not" TTC. Have a baby dancin' weekend! My thoughts on baby/child loss is that to the person experienceing t is the most painful thing in the world and no one has the right to downplay it at all or compare it to what they think is harder to deal with. Your heart is broken. We have only been TTC for a few months and the thought of it happening and then going away is so powerful and scary to me. But I think that just proves the love you have for your babies, that will never go away. You move to the next step when you are ready, forget what everyone else does. |
johannarose
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... So glad to hear it Natalie. And I think you've had every right to grieve, and I can't even imagine what it would take to come back from a loss like that. Our trials are our trials. We cannot compare our pain to the pain of others, it's just nonsensical. Wishing you lots of love and baby dust. |
annon
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... I think you move on in your own time. Each of us grieve differently, you are a fixer and that is why others read your story. I think by showing others that it is ok to move on to the next stage of your life, you give others (still in the stages that you are leaving) hope. Take your time in drifting into the stages of your life. You are only on your time table. |
Sara Joy
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The ACRONYMS! Gah, they are hilarious, no? Glad you didn't forget, and I'm pretty sure you haven't forgotten how to make a baby either.  |
nataliecline
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... Thanks for your support! We have one more major hurdle (my appointment tomorrow) and then once we get the "ALL CLEAR", we'll be baby dancin' like it's our job.  |
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